Losing Your Friends 101, The Mario Kart Experience


If you haven’t lost friends playing Mario Kart with them, you haven’t played Mario Kart right. And for those that have never played Mario Kart, you’re living a life I wouldn’t want to live. Truly, the most blissful times are screwing over your friends in a friendly cartoon racing game. It’s an experience that builds character, preparing you for the cruel world outside of the safe space you’re used to. I’ll tell a story of someone who broke their friends from this simple game.

Three people decide to play Mario Kart 8 Deluxe on the Nintendo Switch, they’re familiar with the game considering they played it on the DS way back. They all think they’re good, but one of them, in particular, thinks that they’re better than the rest. Going into the course, they start in 12th place and get a boost from the start. Everything goes perfectly, they drift and boost, they jump and boost, and they boost with items. Quickly, they soar to 1st place as if it’s their rightful throne. On the 3rd lap, right before the end, they hear the dreadful sound of a blue shell, an item that only hits the person in 1st place. Being the genius they are, they slow down to try to hit 2nd place in the blue shell explosion, but miss. No big deal, you can easily catch up.

After picking themselves off of the dirt in a solid 4th place, a whistling of a homing red shell comes their way knocking the poor man back down like a doped-up gorilla hitting a lariat in a wrestling match. 9th place, pretty far behind but not impossible. Playing like a complete madman brings this god of gaming back up to 3rd, but there’s this little sound that brings back trauma that can never be healed, a blue shell on the way to annihilate 1st place. The shell hits the unfortunate soul on the way to their destination letting 4 people pass him right before the end goal.

But wait, there’s no end to the suffering. The 1st place bastard slows down, right in front of this beaten man. The explosion hits both of them and the last 5 people pass them up. As 11th and 12th place holders, there’s a tension between the two that cannot be put into words. But the hero that we have been following has no items to save them from this hell. And as they realize the punishment that awaits them, our boy looks to the right and is met with the smuggest face imaginable as the monster mashes his speed items to zoom to 7th place. Hell was raised, ties were broken, words were said.

That was a story very dear to me. I never spoke with that guy ever again.

I was the monster by the way. Great time, would do it again.