To become a furry is to undergo a transformation of character. Not everyone has the mental fortitude to change in this way. If you are thinking about becoming a furry, then it would help to have an idea of what type of furry you should be. The Rampage has consulted with many prominent astrologists from among the student body and compiled a Furry Zodiac to help you in your decision.

JANUARY — Owl

Owls always like to be seen as polite, respectful, intelligent, and helpful. And they usually are, except they aren’t always helpful. They have another side that they don’t like to show other people, a side that would make their actions seem far less benevolent. They’re secretly really self-centered, and love to feel like the smartest in the room, and their advice becomes heavily pessimistic when they aren’t. It’s their version of a temper tantrum. Owls usually become furries because they feel they’re around too many people that can keep up with their intellectual prowess, or feel as though they need some new people to idolize them. Not that they’ll ever admit it.

FEBRUARY — Wolf

Wolves are the most loyal you can get, they stand by their friends until they scorn them for wandering onto the furry path. They need people and if they lack it, they lose a lot of their strength. They like to form packs, usually with other wolves, because it validates their need to let out their inner edgy teenager. They’re also quite frosty initially, it’s hard for a wolf to accept someone into their pack (or even form one in the first place), perhaps they chose to become a furry in the hopes of connecting with someone in a different way. Maybe the wolves are more accepting there?

MARCH — Raven

Ravens are pranksters. They like doing what they like, and if something doesn’t catch their interest, they completely ignore it, and because of that, they’re always having fun. Even if that fun is publicly humiliating you in front of all your friends and a million strangers. Ravens love ruining big moments like that, especially for revenge, they’re jerks like that. But it’s something to be said about who they are if they can laugh their head off even as you yell at them. Becoming a furry usually starts out as a joke for a Raven. Then it gets a little bit more serious. Then they laugh it off, and the cycle repeats until they realize that they’re actually a furry and that whatever they say now applies to themselves now. Tremendous failure for them. Sweet satisfaction for the rest of us.

APRIL — Ferret

Ferrets are the type of people who jump around 30 different topics in a single conversation and can seamlessly go from talking about the meaning of life to how cute your jeans are. They love talking about things that they don’t actually know, just to learn about them, and they always try everything at least once. Because of this, they’re always keeping up with trends, even the garbage ones. And they don’t care if they like a garbage trend, if they like it, they like it, and that’s just how it is. They’re super energetic, practically bouncing off the walls every time you talk to them – they’re so active it’s hard to keep up with them. They have the unique capability to take you through an entire mall before you realize that you didn’t actually agree to go with them. They lack tact and can be quite blunt – they tell things how they see it, and if you take issue with it, they usually tell you to tell it to someone who cares. And then they come back and beg for your attention, but because they just love talking to you so much. Ferrets usually end up being furries because they just want to be one, they’re one of the few that have no post-transition regret.

MAY — Domestic Dog

Dogs! We all know them, we all love them. They’re excitable, loyal, and just the slightest bit of egotistical to make them absolutely hilarious. When a dog gets attached to something, they get obsessed with it. They don’t let anything pull or push them away from it, which makes it really annoying when they need to stop caring so much and they just refuse to. They don’t always understand personal boundaries, and believe that the perfect solution to every problem is a good cuddle, which makes them the perfect therapist for some people, and a living, unavoidable nightmare for others. When they aren’t cuddling, they’re usually howling over a joke or barking at someone for being dumb, which is ironic considering they usually speak before thinking. Dogs become furry for the purest reason: they just really like all the anthropomorphic stuff and find it really cute. They’re another type that have no post-transition regret.

JUNE — Goat

Goats are the fiery, upbeat, short-tempered type. You know, the type to overhear a freshman bad-mouthing furries, then throw them in the trash can because they’re personally insulted. They love a good fight, and sometimes start them just to have a fun time. They’re sore losers though, losing makes their fire burn hotter, but not in the inspirational power-working way, in the sucker-punch revenge way. They’re not all bad though, goats are far more willing to try new things, and have a tendency for optimism and encouragement. They’re impatient and aggressive, but when it comes to pep-talks, they’re simply the best there is. Goats probably became furries because they lost one too many fights, and had no one around to help them recover from the traumatic loss. They venture into a new realm, in the hopes of finding a friend who can use their natural optimism to bounce back to normality.

JULY — Otter

Otters are the type that seem perfect on the surface and are a broken mess underneath. When you first meet an otter, they seem happy, playful, they look like they have fun, they’re smart, they’re realistic, they seem to have no flaws. And then, you see the darker side of them, the one that gets them involved in more drama than they can handle. They’re really insecure and emotionally intuitive, which means they might just assume that you hate them because they “feel like you do.” Of course, when this happens, they don’t confront you about the issue, oh no. That would be too simple, Otters are too complicated for that. They take a passive-aggressive stance and assume that their assumptions are correct, causing them to start or perpetuate a lot of drama, and hold grudges for a long, long time. And then they cry and complain about how they’re always surrounded in drama and how everyone is fake. Otters usually become furries because they feel someone has wronged them so greatly that they can’t continue as they are, and crave some sort of change.

AUGUST — Fox

Foxes are the ones who have that restless curiosity, they’re always running around for one reason or another. They’re also very affectionate, they always make sure that you feel loved, even if you feel as though you don’t deserve it. They’re witty and adaptable, which means that the sick burn you just tossed their way is probably getting chucked back in your face. Perhaps it’s best to leave the fox uncooked. They also learn quickly, so if you make them angry, they’ll remember that food you hate and give it to you the next day. They’re super indecisive though, they just can’t decide if they should eat their spaghetti with meatballs in it, or to eat the meatballs separately. It’s a big decision, okay, it affects the integrity of the meal! Or something like that. Foxes become furries because they have other friends that are already furries, who dragged them into it.

SEPTEMBER — Rat

Rats are the cleanest people you will ever meet, it’s practically obsessive-compulsive. They’re ridiculously smart and pay attention to the smallest details, which means they already know you cheated on them – they’re just waiting for the perfect moment to exact revenge. They’re perfectionists, so they love pointing out the little flaws in the things you do, and force you to correct them even though literally no one would notice them. But they hurt themselves too. They can try to multitask too often – usually failing – or work way too often and get themselves stressed out. Yes, they think their cool and calm facade actually fools people, but we all know they’re a blubbering mess trying to stay afloat underneath it, just like the rest of us. It feels great to know they’re struggling just like the rest of us, and it also brings them down from their God Complex issues. Rats become furries because they met a furry and couldn’t keep up with them, so they became one themselves to try to learn more about them, and they very quickly realize their mistake.

OCTOBER — Domestic Cat

Domestic cats are oftentimes cold and distant from the world, usually asking you to do things for them, or acting like rulers or kings of the household, even if they have little to no power at all. They have a knack for it though,they just have that charm that compels you to obey. Or maybe they just annoy you enough to make you do it. But they aren’t completely cold. Once in a blue moon, only when you really need it, they can bring themselves down to your level and show some affection and kindness. They say the scarcity makes it more special. Personally, I think they’re just sympathetic jerks. House cats tend to turn furry because they find out that they don’t have power over furries. So they go through the transformative process and become one, quickly learning that they have lost their power over humans. But they didn’t realize that once you become a furry, you can never go back.

NOVEMBER — Bat

Bats are the calm, ambitious suckers who have the huge dreams and the attitude to achieve them. Qualities people always love to have in their workers, but not necessarily in their people. Bats tend to have a large moral-grey area, that makes a lot of very selfish actions okay in their book. Yes, when they cheat off you to get a good grade after you just told them not to cheat off you, that’s totally justified in their book. They’re also very secretive, which means they’re easy to trust, until you find out that they bought 50 pounds of fruit using the money they stole from your wallet. They’re willing to do a lot of pretty horrible things to get to where they want to be, not always thinking about the social consequences of their actions, like ruining friendships. They aren’t all bad though, just selfish. They’re actually pretty level-headed and relaxed, a lot of fun to be around! Then they do something evil and remind you why you don’t hang out more often. No one really knows why bats become furries, they just offhandedly mention it one day and everyone gasps in shock, and then they ignore you when you ask about it and never speak of it again.

DECEMBER — Dragon

Everyone looks at dragons like these dangerous monsters that you can’t approach lest you risk getting burned alive. But then you actually talk to one and you find that they’re super excitable and trusting. They’re socially awkward, and aren’t spoken to much because of it, and are extremely possessive of the things they have or are given. They have absolutely enormous hearts, but that means they’re very passionate about those things they’re given. It also means that, their materialistic jealousy aside, they care way too much about way too much. They are 100% willing to fight to the death for their favorite TV show, and they take insults way too hard. And then they forgive the insult like it’s nothing. Dragons never hold grudges against their friends, ever. Dragons usually become furries because their friends invite them in, and they accept, because they want to see what makes their friends feel so happy about themselves.