Mother Nature Officially Monetized


Ryan E., Sports Editor

It was announced early this morning that Mother Nature finally accepted the terms of the contract with A Large Company. Billions of people worldwide are devastated that she gave in, feeling the deal is one sided. As a part of the agreement, Mother Nature will sacrifice all of her beauty: dense forests, polar ice, changes in seasons, and more. Though protests have broke out all across the globe, Mother Nature assured us that the decision is final and will be set into motion immediately.

Many economists see this maneuver as the final step in A Large Company monopolizing the global industry of their lumber trade. When asked about their plans from the terms, that granted them ownership of all free, remaining forests on Earth, they replied, “We have plans to demolish all nature immediately. A forest that is not being turned into money serves no purpose.” They will build factories in all remaining forests as a part of their new “Trees to Money” program, which aims towards turning every tree into paper, wood, and-ultimately- money. To ensure there will be no long term damage, however, they will leave behind one tree for every 100,000 they destroy (a noble act to show how much they care).

In addition, A Large Company has discussed the economic opportunities that lie within the Central Florida region. Building souvenir factories in the area, they will tap into the lucrative tourism industry. Some residents, who were initially opposed to this, were immediately bought over. A Large Company offered buy-one-get-one’s for all of their products, and the Central Floridians were sold!

In addition to this recent boom of posterity, the property value has also seen a stark increase. Houses that used to be an hour away from the ocean will soon find themselves just minutes away, tripling their value within the next two decades! A Large Company is taking credit for this change, claiming it was, in fact, their harmful emissions that sped up the melting of the polar ice caps. If things go as economists predict, the region will see its first surplus in decades.

Long gone are the days where we gaze at nature for its beauty. Though Mother Nature holds an appearance that is unmatched, she holds no economic value. Thanks to globalized corporations- like A Large Company- we are beginning to see the true, fiscal value of all the natural world has to offer. Money is the best type of green.