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Horoscope: The Office Edition

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Horoscope: The Office Edition

Avah M., Editor-In-Chief

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NBC’s The Office features all the workplace stereotypes, from the boss who doesn’t know his boundaries to the lonely woman in accounting. So what Dunder-Mifflin employee does your zodiac sign embody?

Aries (March 21-April 20): Andy Bernard

You’re the type of person who will bring up your glory days long after they’re done: we get it, you went to Cornell and you can play guitar- that’s great. Its these glory days that make you feel inclined to be your superior’s favorite, so you’re willing to shamelessly kiss-up by any means. If that’s not annoying enough, you break out in song whenever you have the chance like it’s Dunder-Mifflin Musical. But at the end of the day, your intentions are pure and some see this as an opportunity to take advantage of you (like a certain cat lady in accounting).

Taurus (April 21-May 21): Phyllis Vance

You’re the (grand)mother figure of the office. But under that façade of innocence is a person who has no problem blackmailing people to become head of the Party Planning Committee. You also have no problem bringing up your significant other’s status to increase your own prestige and occasionally intensify your threats. To say the least, you are the person who gets what you want. When you dislike someone, you don’t hold back your opinion- which makes for a lot of shade throwing.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): Kevin Malone

Despite your large presence, your lack of social skills makes you easy to ignore. You have a poor work ethic, meaning people rarely come to you for any favors (which is great)But the one thing people do come to you for is food-especially the pregnant women. Just be sure to keep you clumsiness under control the day you decide to bring in food, so you don’t drop the chili dingus.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Pam Beesly

You’re the office hottie. But all the attention can be exhausting, especially when the opportunity for a harassment lawsuit is constantly lingering- really, you could sue. At the end of the day, you only want one special sales guy and everyone can see that. There are also days when you become super emotional, which can make for some embarrassing moments in front of your co-workers. But what’s even more embarrassing is when you have to decline the invitation to an office dinner party at Chili’s- and you’re really craving chips and salsa– because you’re actually banned.

Leo (July 23-August 21): Stanley Hudson

You don’t have time for meetings and staying late at the office- unless its Pretzel Day. You try to keep your work life and personal life as separate as possible, but there will be that one moment of weakness where you expose yourself. You keep yourself busy with crossword puzzles to ignore the stupidity of the people around you (especially your boss); of course, you have no problem expressing your overall dislike for everyone. Nothing gets you moving like the opportunity for a bonus or promotion- except for when your co-worker hits on your daughter for “Bring Your Kid to Work” Day.

Virgo (August 22-September 23): Angela Martin

You’re that stereotypical cat lady who licks her own cats (the entire office saw it on camera). You are extremely stubborn and have no problem imposing your own religious morals on everyone around you, which is so hypocritical. People simply don’t like you and you don’t like people, so its no wonder you lost your position as head of the Party Planning Committee. You’re quiet, but it’s a judgmental silence. Surprisingly, you’re the office heartbreak- do you even have feelings?

Libra (September 24-October 23): Michael Scott

You’re a natural leader, so its only fitting that the office operates under your questionable supervision. Sure, you waste time with unnecessary meetings and inappropriate comments but at the end of the day, people respect you for your unwavering effort. You have everyone’s best interest at heart; when the going gets tough, you’re there to provide support- whether its a shoulder to cry on or a self-started marathon. The one thing you’re not so great at is filtering your thoughts: stop hitting on your co-workers before you get caught in a harassment lawsuit (this includes hitting them with your car too).

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): Kelly Kapoor

Do you feel lonely sometimes? Well that feeling is correct, people purposely avoid you in the office- but for legitimate reasons. For one, you hold grudges- remember that time the Party Planning Committee forgot your birthday? But what makes you really scary is how manipulative you are. Faking a pregnancy to trap a lover (who isn’t even that great) for one date is pretty extreme, don’t you think? Besides manipulation, you’re also really great at getting revenge, which comes in handy when you want that certain someone to see what they’re missing.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22): Jim Halpert

Your jokester personality makes you look like the office slacker. But at the end of the day, you do what you need to do: stare at the receptionist, make some sales, pull a prank with the receptionist- the important things. You know there’s a time to have fun and a time to be serious though, which puts you in a position to take initiative when a real problem arises. You’re a go-getter, so when the opportunity arises- whether its a promotion or “the one”- you seize it.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): Dwight Schrute

You only have time for practical things: starting a fire and locking everyone in the office, beet farming, and waiting for pumpkins to decompose off your head. Needless to say, you’re the office intellectual- although sometimes you’re too smart for your own good. You struggle for approval from your boss and anyone who tries to interfere with that relationship becomes an immediate enemy. What’s shocking though is how great you are with the opposite sex- you pull people as well as you pull beets.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): Meredith Palmer

You’re the life of the party, even when there is no party. There’s no end in sight for this wild phase either, even after you have kids and your boss tries to take you to rehab (jokes on him though). Despite your efforts to lay low, you still end up in the biggest office scandals: the Christmas picture, almost getting rabies when your co-worker traps you in a garbage bag with a bat, and then the time your boss fractured your pelvis with his car. Needless to say, you’ve been through some stuff.

Pisces (February 20-March 20): Creed Bratton

Your secretive nature makes you come off as creepy and your cryptic messages don’t help- no one wants to take you up on your sketchy offers. If there were ever a murder in the office, you’d be the first suspect. You’re always one step ahead too: when there’s rumors your branch is closing, your immediate response is to sell all your computer equipment (even though its not actually yours to sell). You also tend to be incredibly oblivious to your surroundings; how can you not taste the difference between a potato and an apple?

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Horoscope: The Office Edition